Make yourself smaller

"I always feel that I m like walking on a very fine line in the mid air and I may fall and die at any moment."

"Make yourself smaller. The very fine line for you is considered wide for an ant."

沒有辦法，快樂起來。

萬念俱灰。

How to know your life purpose in 5 minutes | Adam Leipzig | TEDxMalibu

Life is easy. Why do we make it so hard? | Jon Jandai | TEDxDoiSuthep

We are like the exact opposites. She keeps thinking there is noone but him. I keep thinking there are countless guys out there. I don't know which is worse. One thing for sure, we are not happy the way we are now.

Still it hurts. Badly.

病假

終於狠狠地病了一場。大抵是早前幾個月工作壓力太大，一直吃不下睡不穩，皮膚敏感和鼻敏感反覆困擾，身體總覺得說不出的不妥。即使在轉部門前匆匆放了幾天假，都總覺自己仍如拉緊了的弦般無比緊張。結果，在轉到新部門正式上班的第四天，也是正式上班一年後，我病倒了，並請了第一次的病假。

想不到這一天意外的假期反而是近來我最放鬆的一天。其實也沒有做些什麼，不過是一個人看看書、喝喝咖啡而已。為了這份奢侈的自由，我感恩。

然後，忽然間，已經 burnt out 的我又有了重新上路的動力和勇氣。不單是事業上，也是生活上的。我答應自己，不可再糊里糊塗地吃喝玩樂了，得在日常生活中好好照顧自己。我鄭重地，答應，自己。

反省

前幾天又在美容院花了約一萬，又肉痛又興奮。認真算算，自踏入社會，我在瘦身美容的開支，應該最少有十萬，好瘋狂！然後朋友提醒我，事實上我一直不乏桃花，代表我外表ok，但總是沒有對的人願意與我 tie the knot，那即是說我其他方面出了問題，所以呢，我再花心力在皮相上，也不一定會教情路變平坦。其實一直以來，我努力地讓自己在外貌、修養、學問、事業上變優秀，並沒有想過要悅人，直至 Serina 提醒我，我才發現自己其實非常在意别人的評價。於是我又開始反省。我這樣出力把自己變漂亮，到底是為了什麼。我這樣努力找尋所謂理想的伴侶，到底是為了什麼。我這樣賣力工作，又到底是為了什麼。

感恩

見識過ABCDE君，更為自己曾經遇上過那麼合拍的人、經歷過那麼甜蜜浪漫溫馨的片段、有過那麼義無反顧地深愛的勇敢而感恩。

小息

完成了六個月在企業部實習的非人生活後，我終於放了幾天假。

這個小息，我哪裡也不去，就只是留在香港，好好地保養自己的身心，並和久違的朋友暢聚，包括張佬同學、LLB 同學、PCLL 同學和舊同事等，當然還有認真地花時間與家人相處。

聚舊時不禁談起往事……回顧過去十多年，苦樂參半、笑中有淚、幕幕精彩，終於開始明白所謂「回憶的畫面如走馬燈」這感覺是什麼一回事，更體會到所有人和事都不過是過眼雲煙，該留的自然會留下，要走的怎麼也得離開。執著無用。還是專注活好這一刻最實際。

So I guess that's it.

32

During the few days without A but B I tried to listen to my own little inner voice. It was not as clear as before, yet I believed I had managed to figure it out. Transient pleasure with B (or actually, whoever) still attracts me. Nevertheless I treasure the senses of positivity, stability and security that A brings.

When it came to my 32nd birthday it got even clearer. I was kind of surprised not to receive anything at all from any of them. To be honest, I was disappointed. And I am also surprised that I felt surprised and disappointed. I should have known that this was what I have asked for.

Reflecting on what has happened during the past year, the word that comes to my mind is "restless". I have got into and out of multiple relationship several times. I have had peace, excitement, contentment, depression, anxiety, frustration and all sorts of conflicting status of mind. I have lose and gained the same 10lbs again and again. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.

Talking about relationships, a friend once pointed out about me and X and Y, "so you are trying to avoid committing while expecting others to be committed to you, and after someone has shown his commitment to you, you run away." Well that's actually quite true. Not until she put it so concisely did I come to realize how confused I was and how much confuse I have caused to others.

What exactly am I after? Well guess what, I finally have the desire to stop and get settled... But no doubt, only with the right person.

Life is not just about relationship after-all. It is in fact my job which takes up job most of my time and energy. At this age, with all these yoga and meditation practices, I still have not yet mastered the art of stress management. I still care a lot about how others regard me. I do admit I am sort of a workaholic and I sincerely like the challenging nature of what I do. At the same time the frustration, pressure and helplessness brought about by these challenges almost drive me crazy and make me doubt if I can make it.

Perhaps Serina's right. I am not ready for any relationship at the moment given my significant change in career and the exhausting nature of my job.

Ok so now I am 32. And I'm not any wiser. Still pretty lost. And I take it.

嘲諷

一夜情的愛情哲學

這段日子，女人莫名的陷入了情緒低潮，需要服食安眠藥，但藥物並沒有讓她安睡，反倒是經常迷迷糊糊的做了許多奇怪的夢，且都和性有關。醒來後，女人如同從一個異色國度遊歷完畢，倦怠之餘卻略帶興奮。女人對自己說：「我喜歡不可思議的事，儘管那是虛構的。」

女人已經長期習慣獨處，但一人獨臥床上仍讓她感到異常的孤獨和悲傷。讓她感到悲絕的，不是沒有被愛過或愛過，而是不管被愛或去愛，她都深深感受到本乎生命的孤獨。

人們以為尋覓愛情之後，可以免除寂寞，但事實上卻剛巧相反。她覺得一切情愛到了最後都帶著信念被迫扭曲的荒謬性。

每次回想自己一段又一段的情愛故事，內心都不禁湧起一份可笑淺薄的感覺。愛情裏最大的震撼，不是愛的轟烈和深刻，而是讓人體會到人性的極端自私。

最令人不解的是，即使一個人深明情愛的虛假和膚淺，仍會自欺欺人地誇說情愛的偉大和傳奇，並一次又一次深陷非理性和不合常軌的情慾關係中。

有時候一個女人很愛一個男人，事實上不一定是真的，她愛得那麼強烈那麼可怕，只是她個性的一部份。她需要很強烈的感受自己的愛，也需要很強烈的感受別人在愛著她，如此方能感覺到自己的存在價值。如果當中有什麼不如意，她就會以極端決裂的形式結束，以圖造就驚天動地的愛戀錯覺。

人們常常說愛得太深和無法自拔，但骨子裏真正無法釋懷和戀戀不捨的只是男女間的愛欲纏綿。

凡之具有張力且變數難測的種種，我們都會容易為之著迷、受其牽引，不自覺地越陷越深。這就是人們以為的「真愛」！

這世代的感情，匆匆來又匆匆去，一大堆的承諾和甜言蜜語，聽起來浪漫動人，實質卻是幼嫩可悲。放浪的隨意交往，又讓人覺得無聊荒唐和浪費生命。

這是一個沒有偉大和深刻的時代，人們不斷追求的只是感情上的一點跌宕，讓自己相信生命裏確是有過什麼樣的精彩和璀璨，即便它是以負面形態出現的一段廉價的情愛插曲。

不少經歷過情愛風霜的人早已放棄了追求被世俗包裝得堂皇甜蜜的愛情。他們受不了虛情假意的愛戀，也覺得這樣的愛情著實讓人愛得很疲累。人們寧願要淺薄的情欲歡愉，也不想要貌似深刻實質卻是各取所需的婚戀關係。

於是，大家開始可以理解一夜情發生的契機和意義了。

一夜情，始於某個深夜，一個僻靜的角落，兩個從沒有交集的男女，目光偶然相接，兩人的心頭都漾起了一股難以言傳的親密感。

男人終日營營役役，落寞茫然，對男歡女愛早已深感厭倦。想及苦海中沉倫的人，卑微、渺小、無力，來一晚的放縱又算得什麼？

女人終日恓恓惶惶，寂寞失意，對於愛情的憧憬早已破碎幻滅。想及多月來的頹廢和困頓，尋一晚的慰藉又算得什麼？

他受著脫軌不馴的惡意所驅使，她懷著一股把規範道德壓個粉碎的快意，兩人眼裏都燃起了叛逆的火光。

四目深情對望，慾情漫起如潮水，舐著黑暗內部的邊緣，退去了又漲過來。最後，兩人慢慢靠近，投向對方的懷裏。

男人的虛空、狂亂和壓抑在女人的溫柔中得到了徹底的舒緩和釋放。

女人的悲傷、困惑和絕望在男人的體貼中覓到了無限的慰解和安撫。

這一夜，女人的奉獻，給了男人失意半生中一次最高的獎賞。

這一夜，男人的柔情，給了女人情愛生涯中一次最美的高潮。

然而，從一開始，兩人就已了解，一夜即成永恒，第一次也將是最後一次。

當天一亮，男女從此互不相干，各歸原位，再度扮演現實中的合理角色。

觸發一夜情的契機是精神性的釋放和對偉大情愛的嘲諷，而非純粹肉慾上的渴望。

http://treelovehealth.com/2015/07/20/%E4%B8%80%E5%A4%9C%E6%83%85%E7%9A%84%E6%84%9B%E6%83%85%E5%93%B2%E5%AD%B8/

Friendly reminder

No no no no no. Do not lose yourself. Do not let the sweetness blindfold you. Do not make the same mistake again. 

Let's take it easy and go with the flow. If someone's yours, he/she will stay no matter what.

倖免

常常陷入對他的思念。很想他。很想念跟他一起時的感覺。他讓我捨不得把目光移開。他叫我朝思暮想。他一叫我就心跳。他讓我覺得自己是天下最性感的女人。他很特別。很特別。我告訴 Serina ，大概這輩子我再也不會遇上像他這樣的一個男人了。Serina 說，你遇上他以前，你也沒有想過會遇見這樣的一個人呀。

Someone has just reminded me that I was / am not living my life. I keep looking forward to the future when I can leave all the present pressure behind. I keep fantasizing moments doing meditation or on vacation or with someone I love. I keep reminiscing my time at my previous job when I was pretty successful or at least I knew what to do. I keep mourning for my gone summer holidays. Basically I am living in denial with thoughts like this is someone else's life. And I do all these without myself actually realizing it.

Perhaps it's time to pull things together and put consciousness back into life. Happy or not, this is my life. And I only live once.

Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever l...

They are more serious than I have thought. The intensity and the problem. I'm not certain if he's right that this is my own issue. I refuse to agree that this is such a lonely journey. 

花千樹

100種生活

Perhaps Serina's right. It drains my energy. It's not gonna work this way. I need more wisdom, confidence and courage to move on. More. More. More.

If there is anyone I am afraid to lose, that would be myself. And myself only.

Teresa is right. It's not about anyone else but myself. What kind of life am I after? Am I ready to sacrifice for what I am looking for? Would I regret if I decide to go this or that way? I don't know. I'm confused.

It's been about 3 months since I last met Serina. I look forward to seeing her on Saturday. I truly need some advice and enlightenment.

請給我護蔭

Greed

I want sense of security as well as freedom; accompany as well as solitude; stability as well as dynamics; safety as well as adventure; maturity as well as child-like innocence; masculinity as well as softness; sunniness as well as darkness; discipline as well as spontaneity; intimacy as well as distance; familiarity as well as exoticness; calmness as well as excitement; peace as well as sparkle. I want to give and I don't want to sacrifice. Yes I want everything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready.

學習按捺

Honest liars -- the psychology of self-deception: Cortney Warren at TEDx...

日常

農曆年後，我轉到了見習期中四個崗位中的第二個，也是傳說中最忙的一個　－　企業部。結果我一星期中，有三晚可以差不多八、九時下班，另外兩晚則大概十二點到兩點吧，如果有「刁」的時候，週末也需要工作至深宵。

昨晚九時多，當我正審閱某上市公司的公告直至天昏地暗的時候，忽然想到今天的瑜珈服又是白帶了。朋友的聚會又不能去了。打算義務做的法律研究又得延期了。有點難過，甚至又開始懷疑，我幹嗎會在這裡？為甚麼？

十時多，我決定回家才再繼續工作。在地鐵車廂中，我忽然想起了以前的他和自己。直到現在，我才真正體驗到他當時面對的壓力：沉重的工作、抱恙的父母、刁蠻任性的女朋友……想到自己當時動輒便為了他因為加班而遲到或爽約而大發脾氣，我的確有些歉疚。罷，就當是給自己上了一課吧，也許這份體會，可以讓將來的我成為一個更好更體貼更會諒解的伴侶。

同時，我為自己目前的無憂無慮感恩。工作雖然繁重，但內容具挑戰性，最重要的是，我知道自己為了甚麼投身法律界。我真心地覺得我做的事都是有意義的。家庭方面，我也完全無後顧之憂，早年的煩惱已慢慢解決，現在回到家，我幾乎可以當個公主！好幸福！

然後，黑莓響起。檢查完電郵後，我一抬頭，瞥見地鐵車廂玻璃窗中的自己，我才發現，我老了。頂多只能算是殘花敗柳。真的沒有本錢和心思跟小妹妹競爭了。一絲感慨、荒涼和孤寂油然而生。淡淡的。熟悉的。赤裸的。

There must be something wrong. Still I insist to stay true to myself. Take it or leave it.

還是有人喜歡你，為什麼依然單身?

by terence0425leung

當各種交友活動和相親節目在這個城市流行，單身也就在這個城市開始蔓延。似乎很多人都在為這個城市裏單身的人們著急，單單這些單身的人們沒有著急。

我想，單身無非就兩個原因，一個是太看得起自己，一個是太看不起自己。如果還有第三個原因，那就是有時候太看得起自己，有時候太看不起自己吧。

我不知道我是其中哪個原因，但我喜歡流連於這個羣體中，和城市裏一羣單身男女吃喝玩樂，胡侃亂侃，好不快活。有時候會將每個人的心理解析個遍，然後每個人都看著我驚訝不已問你怎麼知道，可是到最後卻都沒有一絲改變。我開始問自己，也開始問著每一個人，關於單身這個問題你怎麼看。

還是有人喜歡你，為什麼依然單身?我聽到的回答總是那麼幾個，沒有人喜歡我啊，對的人沒有出現啊，云云。我最喜歡的回答，還是一個朋友告訴我的，單身與喜歡無關。

每次聚會回到家，空蕩蕩的房間曾經無數次讓我惆悵，我猜想他們會不會和我一樣，每次出來玩樂啊鬧啊看著活潑開朗好不自在，回到家關上門只剩下感傷，想有個人可以陪在身旁。可是也僅限於想想，依然單身。

無論多少理由單著，其實都敵不過一句對的人沒出現。至於對的那個人是什麼樣子，我想你並不知道。即使你固執地告訴我你知道自己想找的是個什麼樣的人，我也會固執地説，你並不知道。

除了那些你喜歡著他但是他不喜歡你的這些特殊羣體，他們知道對的人就在那，只是擁有成為了一種奢望。我很想談談對的那個人為什麼一直都沒有出現。

你最喜歡的事情就是等待，等那個對的人出現。你説都等了幾十年了，還再差一兩年嗎。我並不這麼看，幾十年了都沒有出現，已經不是一個時間的問題了。

在我們的生命中，遇到了各種各樣的人，經歷了各種各樣的故事，時間給了我們足夠多的機會，可是那個對的人始終沒有出現。並不是我們要把地球上每個人都瞭解個遍才能確定哪個是對的人，或許是我們自己出了些問題，並沒有準備好去迎接這個對的人。

世界上沒有一個人是可以完全為你準備好，完全與你吻合的。所謂那些準備好的人，大抵都是他在某些地方特別吸引我，感動我，然後他其他的條件和特質我都可以忽略掉，如此便可以在一起了，成為了準備好的人。

你那麼怕錯了。怕這是一個錯誤的人，怕這是一個錯誤的感情，錯誤的選擇。你不敢去確定這是不是你要找的人，你甚至會失去了勇氣去瞭解。所以在你沒有確定這是一個對的人和對的感情的時候，你不會考慮去開始。

你還怕的還有很多，你怕他不靠譜，怕萬一開始了，你陷進去了，你愛上了，中途他拋棄了你怎麼辦，那該有多受傷多痛苦。

有一次我問一個女孩，她就告訴了我這樣一個答案，不確定他會一直對我這麼好下去，所以不敢去開始。我還見過這樣一個女孩，喜歡她的那個男孩，一如既往的對她好，包容，接納，關心。女孩的脾氣我知道真不是一般人都接納的。女孩的一席話卻讓我驚歎不已，他為什麼會對我這麼好，他在忍著他的脾氣，就是為了得到，一旦他得到了，等她愛上他了，他就會爆發，不再好脾氣了。

原來壞脾氣是一種不愛，好脾氣也是一種不愛。其實無論在試探還是在懷疑，都想去驗證一件事情，他到底會不會一直對我好下去，會不會中途把我拋棄了。如果不能確定這些，那麼寧願不要開始。

她們堅信著，對的那個人會給她們一個心安。可是感情這個東西，恰恰經不起這些考驗和猜測，考驗著考驗著，始終看不到希望，也就繼而絕望，感情就漸漸沒了，然後受傷。

然後她們又驗證了自己：我沒有選擇開始是對的，他根本堅持不住，不會永遠對我好。人總是這麼奇怪，越是不敢肯定的東西，就越是懷疑，越是懷疑，就越是想驗證自己的懷疑，結果事情真的就那麼發生了。

不説吸引力法則會怎麼講這個原理，單單從心理學上講，這個東西也很好理解：人寧願去驗證自己是對的，也不願意去相信事實是好的。為了驗證她們“他會中途放棄，會傷害我”的結論，她們會蒐集各種跡象來證明，會不斷挑戰來驗證，結果真的就發生了。

對於這個問題，我又和她們有過交流，人家也會擔心你不愛，會擔心你中途放棄呀。在聽到這樣的答案後，我終於沒有再説話：如果開始，我肯定不會放棄他的。

歸根到底，這就是一個值得的問題。關於我值不值得被愛，值不值得被一直愛。當你內心覺得自己不值得的時候，就會將這種東西投射出來，放到別人身上：你不是認為我值得被愛嗎?證明給我看啊。然後無論他怎麼證明，你都覺得不夠。他怎麼表決心，你都覺得他會變。

自我價值是個很微妙的東西，我們常常感覺不到自己的價值感的低，就寄託於外界來證明，通過外界來索取。我希望得到愛，但是又不相信愛，結果就是：當有人愛我的時候，我感覺很好，但是不願意去開始這段關係，因為根本不相信這段關係能永遠。

只是，沒有嘗試就沒有永遠。誰能不能保證一段關係會白頭偕老。更何況，沒有開始戀愛，就想到了60年後會不會還在一起。沒有起步，就開始害怕結局。感情是件同樣需要經營的東西，而不是需要被別人來證明的東西。

他再愛你，你不經營，感情也會死掉。他不怎麼愛你，你懂得經營，感情就會慢慢升溫，然後永遠永遠。所以你要做的，並不是如何才能證明他會一直愛你。而是學會經營，如何讓他一直愛你。

前提就是，只有相信自己是值得的人，才有勇氣和力量去經營。因為他們會相信自己值得擁有一份持久且美好的感情。當你相信的時候，才會發生。

為什麼會覺得不值得，這與原生家庭有關。在一個缺乏安全感的環境裏長大，在一個一直缺乏認可和關注的環境裏長大，長大後依然缺乏，而且十分匱乏。匱乏到總是從外界要，卻不相信自己值得擁有，所以不可能要到。相應的，也就不可能擁有一段穩定的關係。

因為，一段美好的關係，必然是兩個人一起堅信，一起努力，相互支撐。關係是一個系統，系統需要平衡才能持久。關於那些太看得起自己的人，我有時候會覺得他們很挑剔，有時候則會覺得他們很悲哀。一個優秀的人，始終不能走入親密關係，不知道是怎樣一種心情。

因為優秀，所以眼光高要求高，因為優秀，所以不輕易放低自己去付出，因為優秀，所以認為別人理所當然的應該去追求他為他付出，因為優秀，所以常常曲高和寡。優秀，又何嘗不是他們的一種悲哀。

這種悲哀還常常在於，當他去審視一個異性的時候，常常發現的不是哪好，而是這不好那不好。只要你去發現，你總能發現兩個人不合適的地方，即使各方面都很優秀，卻發現是個“鳳凰男”，家庭太不好，然後認為這種家庭中成長出來的男人婚後會有暴力傾向、買房子壓力他大、不想跟他遠走他鄉等理由拒絕。

有時候發現條件與自己很般配的人，門當戶對，郎才女貌，卻又發現對方矯情，自私，不懂得尊重別人體諒別人，甚至高傲不懂謙虛。反正只要你去發現，你總能發現不合適的地方，於是你常常會感慨：好的那一半，都死光了嗎？到這個年紀，好人已經被瓜分完畢了。

於是你也會常常惆悵，孤獨。為什麼那些生活艱難，條件比自己差的人都結婚了，而自己叱吒江湖多年，卻依然孜然一身。身邊追求者也很多，但是自己卻始終不能接受。

太知道自己要的是個什麼人了，又何嘗不是一種並不知道自己要的是什麼。生活，並不是跟一大堆條件去生活；感情，也不是跟一堆優秀去戀愛。

自己挑來挑去是為了什麼，恐怕自己也忘了，只知道在挑啊挑。當問的時候，你會偶爾惆悵下，其實自己想要的人要具備哪些優秀，不過是以為這種人能給自己一種想要的幸福，要的是一種簡單，幸福的生活，不必太累。

可是這種生活，又該如何獲得，是不是找到一個理想的、靠譜的、優秀的人就有了呢？顯然這只是幫助你獲得想要的幸福的途徑之一，外在的條件只是輔助你獲得這種幸福的一小部分，更重要的則是你的內心，你想不想擁有這種幸福，及你值不值得擁有這樣的幸福。

那麼，既然要的是這種幸福，是不是不具備外在優秀條件的人就不可以給到呢？一直的漂泊，習慣的尋找，自己的奮鬥，常年的缺失或許已經讓你麻木和忘記了，自己想要的究竟是什麼。

有時候我會去想，為什麼你會用挑選來選擇對象，是不是正是因為不知道自己要的是什麼了，是不是封閉了自己的心，沒有辦法接收到溫暖，沒有辦法感受到安全，所以才會寄託於外在的條件去尋找，希望有些外在的條件可以給自己這種踏實的安全感。是不是想要的這些安全，這些溫暖，這些感動，只有能符合自己的標準了，才會覺得可能。

七仙女愛上董永，奮不顧身，織女愛上牛郎，不顧一切。有的人很好，你很想愛上他，但就是做不到。有的人沒那麼好，可你就是沒法不愛他。當感情真正發生的時候，才會發現，一直想要的東西，與條件無關，與優秀無關，只與自己的心有關。把心打開的時候，有一個人進來，你會發現自己心靈的缺失，很容易滿足。

挑剔，又何嘗不是一種價值感低。要通過優秀來證明自己，要寄託於優秀才能獲得愛。而真正獲得愛的管道，是自己，自己的心有沒有敞開。自己可不可以給到自己安全，自己可不可以給到自己愛。

當你敢於正視自己真正需求的時候，往往，你發現，感情是個很簡單的事情，無需刻意，無需篩選，無需防禦，一切都水到渠成的發生了。所有愛的發生，都建立在你準備好自己的基礎上。

有些人是因為太受傷，所以才會放棄了自己，封閉了自己，將感情弄成了一種任務，一種必須的選擇，卻將能愛的心鎖上了。因為過往，因為有過，因為痛過。所以不願意再去相信，不願意再去敞開，不願意再去付出。封閉，其實就是不再相信自己的愛了。故事，都曾有過，但是傷害，應該成為我們反思自己的原因而不是封閉自己的原因。

經過了那麼多的痛，我們還是長大了。經歷了那麼多委屈，那麼多無助，那麼多無奈，那麼多身不由己，我們還是長大了，而且還是活得很好。又有什麼傷害是我們不敢面對，又有什麼理由不讓我們去敞開自己呢？還是有人喜歡你，雖然單身與喜歡無關。但是你，完全可以準備好自己，來迎接一切可能的發生。

https://terence0425.wordpress.com/2015/03/29/還是有人喜歡你，為什麼依然單身/

5 Languages That Could Change the Way You See the World

5 Languages That Could Change the Way You See the World

“I went to my neighbor’s house for something to eat yesterday.”

Think about this sentence. It’s pretty simple—English speakers would know precisely what it means. But what does it actually tell you—or, more to the point, what does it not tell you? It doesn’t specify facts like the subject’s gender or the neighbor’s, or what direction the speaker traveled, or the nature of the neighbors’ relationship, or whether the food was just a cookie or a complex curry. English doesn’t require speakers to give any of that information, but if the sentence were in French, say, the gender of every person involved would be specified.

The way that different languages convey information has fascinated linguists, anthropologists, and psychologists for decades. In the 1940s, a chemical engineer called Benjamin Lee Whorf published a wildly popular paper in the MIT Technology Review (pdf) that claimed the way languages express different concepts—like gender, time, and space—influenced the way its speakers thought about the world. For example, if a language didn’t have terms to denote specific times, speakers wouldn’t understand the concept of time flowing.

This argument was later discredited, as researchers concluded that it overstated language’s constraints on our minds. But researchers later found more nuanced ways that these habits of speech can affect our thinking. Linguist Roman Jakobson described this line of investigation thus: “Languages differ essentially in what they must convey and not in what they may convey.” In other words, the primary way language influences our minds is through what it forces us to think about—not what it prevents us from thinking about.

These five languages reveal how information can be expressed in extremely different ways, and how these habits of thinking can affect us.

A Language Where You’re Not the Center of the World

English speakers and others are highly egocentric when it comes to orienting themselves in the world. Objects and people exist to the left, right, in front, and to the back of you. You move forward and backward in relation to the direction you are facing. For an aboriginal tribe in north Queensland, Australia, called the Guugu Ymithirr, such a “me me me” approach to spatial information makes no sense. Instead, they use cardinal directions to express spatial information (pdf). So rather than “Can you move to my left?” they would say “Can you move to the west?”

Linguist Guy Deustcher says that Guugu Ymithirr speakers have a kind of “internal compass” that is imprinted from an extremely young age. In the same way that English-speaking infants learn to use different tenses when they speak, so do Guugu Ymithirr children learn to orient themselves along compass lines, not relative to themselves. In fact, says Deustcher, if a Guugu Ymithirr speaker wants to direct your attention to the direction behind him, he “points through himself, as if he were thin air and his own existence were irrelevant.” Whether that translates into less egocentric worldviews is a matter for further study and debate.

Other studies have shown that speakers of languages that use cardinal directions to express locations have fantastic spatial memory and navigation skills—perhaps because their experience of an event is so well-defined by the directions it took place in. But Deutscher is quick to point out that just because their language doesn’t define directions relative to the people communicating, it doesn’t mean they don’t understand the concept of something being behind them, for example.

A Language Where Time Flows East to West

Stanford linguist Lera Boroditsky and Berkeley’s Alice Gaby studied the language Kuuk Thaayorre, spoken by the Pormpuraaw people, also in Queensland, Australia. Like Guugu Ymithirr, it uses cardinal directions to express locations. But Boroditsky and Gaby found that in Kuuk Thaayorre, this also affected a speaker’s interpretation of of time.

In a series of experiments, the linguists had Kuuk Thaayorre speakers put a sequential series of cards in order—one which showed a man aging, another of a crocodile growing, and of a person eating a banana. The speakers were sat at tables during the experiment, once facing south, and another time facing north. Regardless of which direction they were facing, all speakers arranged the cards in order from east to west—the same direction the sun’s path takes through the sky as the day passes. By contrast, English speakers doing the same experiment always arranged the cards from left to right—the direction in which we read.

For the Kuuk Thaayorre speakers, the passage of time was intimately tied to the cardinal directions. “We never told anyone which direction they were facing,” wrote Boroditsky. “The Kuuk Thaayorre knew that already and spontaneously used this spatial orientation to construct their representations of time.”

A Language Where Colors Are Metaphors

Humans see the world within a certain spectrum of light, and, if you have fully functioning retinal cones, that light breaks down into various defined colors. According to some linguists, all individual languages have a set of specific color terms that partition the visible color spectrum. Devised by anthropologist Brent Berlin and linguist Paul Kay in 1969, the theory of “basic color terms” argued that all languages had at least terms for black, white, red, and warm or cold colors.

Not so in Yélî Dnye. In 2001, Steven Levinson, a researcher at the Max Planck Institute for Psycholinguistics, published a paper in the Journal of Linguistic Anthropology on Rossel Island in Papua New Guinea, which appeared to refute Berlin and Kay’s theory. Rossel Islanders speak Yélî Dnye, which is quite dissimilar to other neighboring language groups. It has little specific color terminology—indeed, there is no word for “color.” Instead, speakers talk about color as part of a metaphorical phrase, with color terms derived from words for objects in the islander’s environment.

For example, to describe something as red, islanders say “mtyemtye,” which is derived from “mtye,” or “red parrot species.” Another example is “mgîdîmgîdî,” which can be used to say something is black, but is directly derived from the word for night, “mgîdî.” Not only that, writes Levinson, but the islander’s grammar reinforces this metaphorical slant, saying, “The skin of the man is white like the parrot,” rather than “He is white.”

He reports that in their art, islanders don’t tend to use unnatural dyes or shades, sticking to neutral tones and patterns as a means of decoration. This doesn’t mean Rossel Islanders have somehow evolved a different vision capacity from the rest of humanity, but it may have a profound effect on how they interpret their world; it certainly impacts how they describe it. 

A Language That Makes You Provide Evidence

In Nuevo San Juan, Peru, the Matses people speak with what seems to be great care, making sure that every single piece of information they communicate is true as far as they know at the time of speaking. Each uttered sentence follows a different verb form depending on how you know the information you are imparting, and when you last knew it to be true.

For example, if you are asked, “How many apples do you have?” then a Matses speaker might answer, “I had four apples last time I checked my fruit basket.” Regardless of how sure the speaker is that they still have four apples, if they can’t see them, then they have no evidence what they are saying is true—for all they know, a thief could have stolen three of the apples, and the information would be incorrect.

The language has a huge array of specific terms for information such as facts that have been inferred in the recent and distant past, conjectures about different points in the past, and information that is being recounted as a memory. Linguist David Fleck, at Rice University, wrote his doctoral thesis on the grammar of Matses. He says that what distinguishes Matses from other languages that require speakers to give evidence for what they are saying is that Matses has one set of verb endings for the source of the knowledge and another, separate way of conveying how true, or valid the information is, and how certain they are about it. Interestingly, there is no way of denoting that a piece of information is hearsay, myth, or history. Instead, speakers impart this kind of information as a quote, or else as being information that was inferred within the recent past.

A Language That Has No Word for “Two”

In 2005, Daniel Everett of the University of Manchester published a study of the language of the Pirahã people, an indigenous tribe living in the Amazon, in the journal Current Anthropology. In it he detailed a language unlike any other. The Pirahã speak a language without numbers, color terms, perfect form, or basic quantity terms like “few” or “some”—supposed by some, like color, to be an universal aspect of human language. Instead of using words like “each” and “more” or numbered amounts to give information about quantity, Pirahã said whether something was big or small. There is a word that roughly translates as “many,” but really it means “to bring together.” The Pirahã also had no artistic tradition, and voiced no sense of deep memory.

Steven Pinker famously called Everett’s paper “a bomb thrown into the party.” Everett had found a language that directly contradicted Noam Chomsky’s widely accepted theory of universal grammar.

In a series of experiments (pdf) done by linguist Peter Gordon, Everett, and others, the Pirahã’s cognition has been tested over and again: Is number cognition possible without a numerical system? The answer appears to be “not really.” In one experiment by Everett, the Pirahã were shown rows of batteries, and asked to replicate the rows. They were able to recreate rows containing two or three batteries, but not anything above that. Instead of counting, the Pirahã used a system Everett called “analogue estimation strategy,” which worked well for them up to a certain point. It may be that the Pirahã have never actually needed to count in order to get by—Everett and others who have observed the Pirahã in the field certainly think this is the case.

Interestingly, the Pirahã don’t seem to have a very high opinion of outsiders. They are monolingual, preferring to stick with their own lexicon rather than borrow words from English or Spanish, and they call all other languages, “crooked head.” It is a sharp contrast to our society, based on globalized languages and all manner of communication translated into nothing but numbers—endless streams of 1s and 0s.


http://nautil.us/blog/5-languages-that-could-change-the-way-you-see-the-world

Ski

I miss skiing and everything about it: the feeling of freedom and the fluidity, the freshness of the cold air blowing on my face, the quietness and peace in mind, the beautiful snowy scene... I shall go again soon. I shall.

Stay weird, stay different

Graham Moore, "When I was 16 years old, I tried to kill myself because I felt weird and I felt different, and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here, and so I would like this moment to be for this kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere: Yes, you do. I promise you do. Stay weird, stay different, and then, when it's your turn, and you are standing on this stage, please pass the same message to the next person who comes along. Thank you so much!"

Last night I went to Serina again. I told her the lessons I've learnt from my meditation retreat and solo ski trip, and those from the people I met. She asked if I found I had become more positive and I agreed. But I doubted if my positivity could last. I also told her it's good that I came to admit my own shortcomings and needs. After some further talks and treatments, Serina said I was already ok and that could be my last session. I thanked her. I know I sounded very flat but that's only because I know I could never articulate how I feel about this journey. 

My dear friends, if you are also facing problems with your emotions or feeling chronically lost or unhappy, do reach out for help. It works. At least in my case it does.

Go with the flow

These two weeks have been pretty amazing. It's reminded me that life is full of surprises. I thought I would enjoy the solitude but tears dropped out of nowhere. I had no plan to meet anyone but there were some interesting encounters at the most unexpected place. Before it happened I could imagine the opening but the ending surprised me.

Just go with the flow, I tell myself. And don't forget to be grateful.

Carry on

"Complete the turn no matter what, especially when you are scared. Then you will never fall. Have faith in the physics." My ski teacher said. It's almost philosophical. As long as you persist, carry on and make it through the toughest and most frightening part, you are safe. 

靜修後感

- 在四日三夜的靜修中，我幾乎每一刻都想逃跑，但「重獲自由」後，我最想做的，是繼續像在靜修中心中，安靜地誠實地樸素地做自己

- 在營中遇上十年沒有碰過面的大學師姐。解除禁語後我們寒喧了幾句。她說她終於意識到她不應該壓抑自己的悲傷。應該客觀地面對它、觀察它、然後讓它自然地滅去。

- 這讓我想到自己。這次我其中一個領悟，是我原來一直在逃避自己的寂寞和苦悶。我發現自己非常想念外婆和她給我那份「家」的感覺。從未間斷。外婆離世、和前度分開，彷彿把我生命中兩塊極其重要的磐石同時移去，教我頓失方向，直到現在，我仍隱約覺得自己有如水面的浮萍般漂伶落泊。但正如師姐說，起碼我們認清了這些感覺，讓我們再耐心地慢慢觀照它。終有一日它們會流逝。反正萬物均會流逝，無一例外。

- 最後一天的開示，總是有如當頭棒喝。那內容大概是，修習內觀應當讓你離開靜修中心後的日常生活也有所改變。經過多天練習，你應該已發展出一種智慧，了解身體官感並不恆久，宇宙的粒子包括你的肉身中的粒子一直不停生滅。無常。這份智慧當讓你面對生命中的起伏時，明白人們可以做的，只有客觀地觀照它。意圖干擾自然生滅定律、希望控制什麼事物，定必徒勞。再者，所謂「我」，也不過是不停生滅的一份無常罷了，無謂執著。

緊張興奮中，因為明天我會再次去為期四天三夜的內觀靜修營，下星期四我更會首次獨個兒去東京和到近郊滑雪！雖然我還沒有收拾行李，而今晚也不知道什麼時間才可以回家......

其實我一直知道我跟家人有著不同的價值觀，而我開始接受，無論如何努力，他們也不能理解亦不會認同我這種愚蠢的不切實際的處世之道。然而，那也是沒法子的事。我還是要過我自己的生活。

Serina 那天問我，最欣賞或羨慕身邊哪些朋友，為什麼。我想了想，發現原來我最欣賞的幾位好友，都是那些敢於追求自己理想，面對誘惑、挑戰甚至嘲笑，仍然忠於自己的儍子。Serina 又問我喜歡哪位歌手，我說我超喜歡 Amy Winehouse, 可惜她死得早。我說我喜歡她的糜爛和她面對自己的軟弱和黑暗的那份幾近裸露的坦白。Serina 說其實我為著忠於自己已經踏出了一大步，我現在需要的，只是多一點勇氣、堅持和幽默，對別人（包括家人）的眼光少一點在意。

我提醒自己，對，活在當下。沒有什麼是過不去的。

Serina 問我遇上前度有甚麼不妥。我說我非常清楚自己不要和他再在一起，只是當我看見他的時候，我的心還是會揪一揪，好像重溫了當時的委屈，也同時為當時的自己感到難過，又會為感情脆弱的本質而覺得可惜。她說，其實很多人都是這樣，理智上知道要放下，潛意識卻耿耿於懷。但這一次，在 Serina 的幫助下，我相信，我自由了。

然後，昨天機緣巧合地上了 pranayama 瑜珈課，亦是我第一次接觸這種冥想法，結果岀乎意料。短短一小時的課，我竟然不斷痛哭流涕。反反覆覆。不能自控。腹中有股悲傷一直洶湧翻騰，想要找個出口。腦海中盡是某個已經忘記的畫面。奇怪的是，涙流滿臉的同時，我感到有另一個自己，正平靜理智地觀察著，她彷彿知道說，哭過了就好。

I met Serina for another session today. She helped me to bury my past relationship which is essential for me to move on. We talked about what love and marriage meant to me. After some discussion I confirmed that I have always been looking for someone who connects with me, whose value aligns with mine, who respects and appreciates me as I am and whom I can grow in a positive way together with, and vice versa. Fortune, fame, physique, age, ethnicity etc don't really matter. No they don't. Serina also let me know I can be relaxed and patient while I am still waitng for Mr. Right. She reminded me how enjoyable my current life is.

Indeed I feel very lucky to be able to live the way I do now. Such freedom is priceless. And I shall never forget that.

Work out

"When we talk about physical health, we know we have to work out our body. But we have almost never thought that working out our mind and heart is also essential to our mental and psychological health. And that is exactly what meditation is about. Stretch your mind. Strengthen your heart. Loosen up your soul. The goal is long-term stability, peace and immunity to adverse external environments. An athlete's bones don't break that easily when they fall. Similarly, a yogi's heart does not break that easily when he fails. The key is to practice. Work out. Persistently. Diligently. Persistently. Diligently."

幾乎忘記，身和心本為一體。愉悅、快樂、平安、幸福等的心情，其實都源自肉體的種種感受。曬一刻鐘太陽、流一點汗、接一個吻、吃一口巧克力、睡一覺好眠，都已足夠驅走鬱悶。所以，下次看到我，別吝嗇給我來個熱情的擁抱。

Present

Met an old friend who reminded me how simple life and happiness can be. He also reminded how I innocent I was and how much fun I deserve right now. Enjoy the present. Grateful.

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

很努力地鼓勵自己要振作。在 Serina 的幫助下，我似乎第一次真正從心底相信，我可以的。只需要勇敢、堅持、放鬆和誠實，我一定可以好好地過自己想要的人生。一定可以。

To yoga is to...

In Vedic Sanskrit, the more commonly used, literal meaning of the Sanskrit word yoga which is "to add", "to join", "to unite", or "to attach" from the root yuj, already had a much more figurative sense, where the yoking or harnessing of oxen or horses takes on broader meanings such as "employment, use, application, performance" (compare the figurative uses of "to harness" as in "to put something to some use"). All further developments of the sense of this word are post-Vedic. More prosaic moods such as "exertion", "endeavour", "zeal", and "diligence" are also found in Epic Sanskrit.[20]

There are very many compound words containing yog in Sanskrit. Yoga can take on meanings such as "connection", "contact", "method", "application", "addition", and "performance". In simpler words, Yoga also means "combined". For example, guṇá-yoga means "contact with a cord"; chakrá-yoga has a medical sense of "applying a splint or similar instrument by means of pulleys (in case of dislocation of the thigh)"; chandrá-yoga has the astronomical sense of "conjunction of the moon with a constellation"; puṃ-yoga is a grammatical term expressing "connection or relation with a man", etc. Thus, bhakti-yoga means "devoted attachment" in the monotheistic Bhakti movement. The term kriyā-yoga has a grammatical sense, meaning "connection with a verb". But the same compound is also given a technical meaning in the Yoga Sutras (2.1), designating the "practical" aspects of the philosophy, i.e. the "union with the Supreme" due to performance of duties in everyday life[21]

According to Pāṇini, a 6th-century BCE Sanskrit grammarian, the term yoga can be derived from either of two roots, yujir yoga (to yoke) or yuj samādhau (to concentrate).[22] In the context of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the root yuj samādhau (to concentrate) is considered by traditional commentators as the correct etymology.[23] In accordance with Pāṇini, Vyasa who wrote the first commentary on the Yoga Sutras,[24] states that yoga means samādhi (concentration).[25] In other texts and contexts, such as the Bhagavad Gītā and the Hatha Yoga Pradipika, the word yoga has been used in conformity with yujir yoge (to yoke).[26]

According to Dasgupta, the term yoga can be derived from either of two roots, yujir yoga (to yoke) or yuj samādhau (to concentrate).[22] Someone who practices yoga or follows the yoga philosophy with a high level of commitment is called a yogi (may be applied to a male or a female) or yogini (traditionally denoting a female).[27]


Goal of Yoga

The ultimate goal of Yoga is moksha (liberation) though the exact definition of what form this takes depends on the philosophical or theological system with which it is conjugated.

According to Jacobsen, "Yoga has five principal meanings:[28]
1.Yoga as a disciplined method for attaining a goal;
2.Yoga as techniques of controlling the body and the mind;
3.Yoga as a name of one of the schools or systems of philosophy (darśana);
4.Yoga in connection with other words, such as "hatha-, mantra-, and laya-," referring to traditions specialising in particular techniques of yoga;
5.Yoga as the goal of Yoga practice."[28]



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoga

不要把別人希望你過的生活當作是你想要的生活

轉載：1000個人離世前的遺言，你如果不知道這15件事，你將終生後悔！

 

美國版：人們臨終最後悔的 5件事有哪些？

最近，一個“臨終前你會後悔的事”的帖子在國內外網站上被瘋狂轉載，瞬間點醒了數萬人。

它的作者是美國一名叫博朗尼·邁爾的臨終關懷護士，文中總結了生命走到盡頭時 人們最後悔的5件事！

第一：“希望當初我有勇氣過自己真正想要的生活”

第二：“希望當初我沒有花這麽多精力在工作上錯過了關註孩子成長的樂趣，錯過了愛人溫暖的陪伴”

第三：“希望當初能有勇氣表達我的感受，而不是長期壓抑憤怒與消極情緒”

第四：“希望當初我能和朋友保持聯系，而沒有因忙碌的生活忽略了曾經閃亮的友情”

第五：“希望當初我能讓自己活得開心點，而不是習慣了掩飾，在人前堆起笑臉”

 

日本版：1000名患者向護士傾吐臨終遺憾

無獨有偶的，在日本也有這樣一位年輕的臨終關懷醫生 大津秀一。

他在親眼目睹、親耳聽到1000例患者的臨終遺憾後，寫下了《臨終前會後悔的 15件事》一書，與美國的熱帖內容不謀而合。

​其中，“沒有註意身體健康”、“沒能談一場永存記憶的戀愛”、“沒有留下自己生存過的證據”等，都成為了人們的“人生至悔”。

活著的我們又該如何擁有一個不留遺憾的人生呢？'接下來，我們就來看看是哪15件事，最讓人後悔終身？

 

別讓這15件事， 變成你的終生遺憾...

 

第一個遺憾：沒有做自己想做的事。

“人們臨終前最常說的一句話就是，人這一輩子啊，太短了。

”有人削尖腦袋往上爬，有人辭官歸故裏；有人自甘平庸，也有人孜孜以求。人生有很多活法，千萬別被別人的價值觀“綁架”，不要把別人希望你過的生活當作是你想要的生活。

想談戀愛，現在就行動吧；想學點什麽，現在就開始吧。人生就像個旅行團，你已經加入了，不走完全程，豈不可惜？

 

第二個遺憾：沒有實現夢想。

當人們在生命盡頭往回看時，往往會發現有好多夢想沒有實現。

“真正的後悔，其實不是因為沒有實現夢想，多半是責怪自己沒能盡100%的力量實現夢想。

”堅持夢想是一件“知易行難”的事。一個沒有期限的夢想只是個夢，給夢想加一個“截止日期”，把它變成現實的目標，才更容易實現。

 

第三個遺憾：做過對不起良心的事。

人非聖賢，孰能無過？一輩子不做錯事，是根本不可能的。

即便不肯殺生的佛家弟子，也難以避免走在路上踩死一只螞蟻。

為了生存而做的無損原則的“壞事”是可以被原諒的，與其背著負罪感生活，不如放下包袱往前看。

 

第四個遺憾：被感情左右度過一生。

現實生活中，感性的人總是嘲笑理性的人“活的太嚴肅”。

其實，太在乎自己的感受又能如何？笑過、哭過、發泄過，生活也不會因此改變。

也許真要等臨終一刻才能明白，每天為之煩惱、痛苦、傷心、氣憤、達到忍耐極限的事，是多麽可笑和不值一提。

 

第五個遺憾：沒有盡力幫助過別人。

或是冷漠，或是怕吃虧，讓很多人不敢做個善良人。

其實，善良的人很少後悔，他們活得坦然、心安，那是善良給予他們的美好回報。

去幫助那些需要你的人，“被人需要”的感覺遠比“索取”好得多。

 

第六個遺憾：過於相信自己。

我們都有過這樣自大自負甚至唯我獨尊的時刻，認為自己不後悔做過的任何一件事。

這樣雖然看起來很積極，但卻顯得盲目。總有一些事，別人比你想的細致周到，多聽一句、多想一秒，可以讓你少走很多彎路。

 

第七個遺憾：沒有妥善安置財產。

現在因為財產引發的家庭糾紛越來越多。

其實，作為老人，一定要把處置財產當做一件重要的事，在世時就規劃好。如果子女多，分配一定要公平，不要因為錢物，傷了孩子們間的感情。

 

第八個遺憾：沒有考慮過身後事。

這一點和處置財產很相似。一個人活著，會留下很多印記。周圍的人和事，都會因為你的離開而變化。

提早規劃一下，不但可以讓自己更坦然接受生老病死，也能提醒自己好好享受人生。別等走不動路、聽不懂話的時候，才發現還有很多事情沒做。

 

第九個遺憾：沒有回故鄉。

每人心裏都有一個地方被埋在最深處，卻一生不忘這就是故鄉。

很多人會念叨，等我退休了就回老家。往往等來等去，最後回家的只是一個骨灰盒。

有生之年，盡量每年都回家看看，聽聽鄉音、吃點美食。這個在地理上讓你無法割舍的地方，也是你靈魂的一個居所。

 

第十個遺憾：沒有享受過美食。

你是否把好吃的東西都留給孩子，因為工作忙每頓飯都隨便打發，或是為了健康每天只吃所謂的“營養”食物？

吃飯，不僅為了飽腹，它還滿足我們很多心理需求。品嘗美食，也是一種很好的心靈治療。

還有就是，別放棄任何一個和家人吃飯的機會，總有一天，這個飯桌上的人會慢慢消失。

 

第十一個遺憾：大部分時間都用來工作。

在這個逐利的社會，工作、金錢、權勢成為成功的金標準，很多人到老才後悔，那麽好的青春，怎麽都獻給工作了呢？

看看大自然的樣子，感受季節的變化，聆聽藝術的召喚，這些事情不會讓你變富有，卻會讓你的人生有意義。

 

第十二個遺憾：沒有去想去的地方旅行。

積攢了很多旅行計劃卻沒有成行，因為孩子太小、錢太少、休假太少或是工作離不開？

很多人都覺得，旅行任何時候都可以去，只有生病的人才懂得，旅行也是一種奢侈品。

 

第十三個遺憾：沒有和想見的人見面。

可能是你小學時最喜歡的老師，可能是你的初戀，誰的生命都不能永恒，尤其是那些比你年長的人，哪怕身在異地，也可以專門拜訪一下。

我們應該抱著“一期一會”的觀念生活。這是日本茶道的用語，“一期”就是一生，“一會”就是一次相會，說的是人生的每一個瞬間都不能重復，所以每一次的相會都變成了僅有的一次。

 

第十四個遺憾：沒能談一場永存記憶的戀愛。

愛，也是人存活世間的證明。我們經常看到，在一起的人未必不相愛，相愛的人卻被迫分開，這是人生無常，也怪很多人自己沒有努力。

愛應該是一種忠誠和無私的付出，一種勇敢而無畏的表達，這是我們作為人的權利，千萬不能只當兒戲。

 

第十五個遺憾：一輩子都沒有結婚。

很多人年輕時覺得婚姻可有可無，一個人更自在。

年紀大了卻開始後悔，沒有一個可以相互扶持的人。雖然好姻緣可遇不可求，但是也得自己努力，碰到合適的人千萬不要猶豫。

這個世界上不會有“最合適”的人，“比較合適”的人也不會等你一輩子。

http://m.shareonion.com/articles/1469?ref=49

I realize I like him more that I thought. 

Yoga

I am glad to have had yoga in my life since about 4 years ago. Yoga is one of the few things that I believe I will keep doing and enjoying until the day I die. It is one of the few things that have the power to pull myself out from emotional trough. (The other few similar things, btw, include singing and cooking.)

With my new yoga club membership starting from 1/1/2015, it seems I have regained focus in my life. I am either in a yoga class or preparing for the next. Everyday I look forward to yoga, and the sweat, fun, challenge, satisfaction, peace and self-discovery therefrom.

Robert, one of the yoga tutors once said, the strength, focus and persistence developed in the yoga studio were not just physical but also spiritual. Yes they are.

Grateful. Namaste.

Mum said she did not understand why I wanted to move out so much and why I hated her. I said, "no I don't hate you. It's not your problem but mine. It's me who's taking you too seriously and that is stressful. All I need is space and freedom." Mum said she did not do anything to pressurise me. And blah blah blah.

I said I needed some space and time to sort myself out. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah.
Yes I start to realise that it is indeed my problem. I blame mum for my own incompetence and cowardness. I blame her for bringing me to the world without my consent and without telling me what to do and why. I blame her for imprisoning and suffocating me. I blame her for what I am and what I am not. But actually, as Serina pointed out, it's me who set myself the boundaries. The problem as well as the solution are within myself and nowhere else.

On one hand I yearn for freedom. I try to stay away from my mum. I rebel. I blame. I complain. On the other hand I am frightened. I wish to have some guidance in the very wide space before me. I wish to have blessings from my parents despite (I think) my path is not ideal in their eyes. I am not sure how to reconcile such conflict. Yet.