During the few days without A but B I tried to listen to my own little inner voice. It was not as clear as before, yet I believed I had managed to figure it out. Transient pleasure with B (or actually, whoever) still attracts me. Nevertheless I treasure the senses of positivity, stability and security that A brings.
When it came to my 32nd birthday it got even clearer. I was kind of surprised not to receive anything at all from any of them. To be honest, I was disappointed. And I am also surprised that I felt surprised and disappointed. I should have known that this was what I have asked for.
Reflecting on what has happened during the past year, the word that comes to my mind is "restless". I have got into and out of multiple relationship several times. I have had peace, excitement, contentment, depression, anxiety, frustration and all sorts of conflicting status of mind. I have lose and gained the same 10lbs again and again. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.
Talking about relationships, a friend once pointed out about me and X and Y, "so you are trying to avoid committing while expecting others to be committed to you, and after someone has shown his commitment to you, you run away." Well that's actually quite true. Not until she put it so concisely did I come to realize how confused I was and how much confuse I have caused to others.
What exactly am I after? Well guess what, I finally have the desire to stop and get settled... But no doubt, only with the right person.
Life is not just about relationship after-all. It is in fact my job which takes up job most of my time and energy. At this age, with all these yoga and meditation practices, I still have not yet mastered the art of stress management. I still care a lot about how others regard me. I do admit I am sort of a workaholic and I sincerely like the challenging nature of what I do. At the same time the frustration, pressure and helplessness brought about by these challenges almost drive me crazy and make me doubt if I can make it.
Perhaps Serina's right. I am not ready for any relationship at the moment given my significant change in career and the exhausting nature of my job.
Ok so now I am 32. And I'm not any wiser. Still pretty lost. And I take it.
When it came to my 32nd birthday it got even clearer. I was kind of surprised not to receive anything at all from any of them. To be honest, I was disappointed. And I am also surprised that I felt surprised and disappointed. I should have known that this was what I have asked for.
Reflecting on what has happened during the past year, the word that comes to my mind is "restless". I have got into and out of multiple relationship several times. I have had peace, excitement, contentment, depression, anxiety, frustration and all sorts of conflicting status of mind. I have lose and gained the same 10lbs again and again. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.
Talking about relationships, a friend once pointed out about me and X and Y, "so you are trying to avoid committing while expecting others to be committed to you, and after someone has shown his commitment to you, you run away." Well that's actually quite true. Not until she put it so concisely did I come to realize how confused I was and how much confuse I have caused to others.
What exactly am I after? Well guess what, I finally have the desire to stop and get settled... But no doubt, only with the right person.
Life is not just about relationship after-all. It is in fact my job which takes up job most of my time and energy. At this age, with all these yoga and meditation practices, I still have not yet mastered the art of stress management. I still care a lot about how others regard me. I do admit I am sort of a workaholic and I sincerely like the challenging nature of what I do. At the same time the frustration, pressure and helplessness brought about by these challenges almost drive me crazy and make me doubt if I can make it.
Perhaps Serina's right. I am not ready for any relationship at the moment given my significant change in career and the exhausting nature of my job.
Ok so now I am 32. And I'm not any wiser. Still pretty lost. And I take it.
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