Stay weird, stay different

Graham Moore, "When I was 16 years old, I tried to kill myself because I felt weird and I felt different, and I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here, and so I would like this moment to be for this kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere: Yes, you do. I promise you do. Stay weird, stay different, and then, when it's your turn, and you are standing on this stage, please pass the same message to the next person who comes along. Thank you so much!"

Last night I went to Serina again. I told her the lessons I've learnt from my meditation retreat and solo ski trip, and those from the people I met. She asked if I found I had become more positive and I agreed. But I doubted if my positivity could last. I also told her it's good that I came to admit my own shortcomings and needs. After some further talks and treatments, Serina said I was already ok and that could be my last session. I thanked her. I know I sounded very flat but that's only because I know I could never articulate how I feel about this journey. 

My dear friends, if you are also facing problems with your emotions or feeling chronically lost or unhappy, do reach out for help. It works. At least in my case it does.

Go with the flow

These two weeks have been pretty amazing. It's reminded me that life is full of surprises. I thought I would enjoy the solitude but tears dropped out of nowhere. I had no plan to meet anyone but there were some interesting encounters at the most unexpected place. Before it happened I could imagine the opening but the ending surprised me.

Just go with the flow, I tell myself. And don't forget to be grateful.

Carry on

"Complete the turn no matter what, especially when you are scared. Then you will never fall. Have faith in the physics." My ski teacher said. It's almost philosophical. As long as you persist, carry on and make it through the toughest and most frightening part, you are safe. 

靜修後感

- 在四日三夜的靜修中，我幾乎每一刻都想逃跑，但「重獲自由」後，我最想做的，是繼續像在靜修中心中，安靜地誠實地樸素地做自己

- 在營中遇上十年沒有碰過面的大學師姐。解除禁語後我們寒喧了幾句。她說她終於意識到她不應該壓抑自己的悲傷。應該客觀地面對它、觀察它、然後讓它自然地滅去。

- 這讓我想到自己。這次我其中一個領悟，是我原來一直在逃避自己的寂寞和苦悶。我發現自己非常想念外婆和她給我那份「家」的感覺。從未間斷。外婆離世、和前度分開，彷彿把我生命中兩塊極其重要的磐石同時移去，教我頓失方向，直到現在，我仍隱約覺得自己有如水面的浮萍般漂伶落泊。但正如師姐說，起碼我們認清了這些感覺，讓我們再耐心地慢慢觀照它。終有一日它們會流逝。反正萬物均會流逝，無一例外。

- 最後一天的開示，總是有如當頭棒喝。那內容大概是，修習內觀應當讓你離開靜修中心後的日常生活也有所改變。經過多天練習，你應該已發展出一種智慧，了解身體官感並不恆久，宇宙的粒子包括你的肉身中的粒子一直不停生滅。無常。這份智慧當讓你面對生命中的起伏時，明白人們可以做的，只有客觀地觀照它。意圖干擾自然生滅定律、希望控制什麼事物，定必徒勞。再者，所謂「我」，也不過是不停生滅的一份無常罷了，無謂執著。