Last day

On the last day of 2014, I've taken a day off and pampered myself by seriously resuming my yoga practice, seeking consultation for the health of my body and more importantly, my soul.

Serina and I talked about a lot of issues including the ultimate philosophical question - to be or not to be. Although there was no answer, the process helped me to face some values deeply embedded in my mind and which I kind of aware but not clear about.

We also talked about my brother and sister. My peer. Whom I highly regard and whom I see as my role model. She said I am stubborn, extreme, think too much and compare too much. She said I am on the right track and that all I need is more confidence, courage and persistence. She adviced me to stop thinking with my brain and start feeling with my heart. She also encouraged me to talk to people to whom I have wanted. Or just express myself whenever I feel like. Don't suppress.

Let's see what this will lead me to in the New Year. Bless you.

Some may think my problem is simply that I can't get over my ex or I just need a boyfriend. ButI know that's not the answer.

My therapist Serina led me to think about lots of questions. Perhaps my inner tension stems from my very early childhood experience and plenty later family issues. Being an accident and a middle child, I've always felt very insecure about my own existence. So I perform. I work hard to impress people. That makes me concern more on what I do instead of who I am. Subconsciously I believe other people, including my parents, like or love me because of my good performance - be it school results, career accomplishments, interpersonal skills, appearance or personality.

I pay all my attention to what (I think) others need and give the best of myself basically to please others. I want to appear cheerful, strong, positive, passionate, brave, sociable, smart, pretty, loving, caring, humorous and easygoing. I keep to myself all the tears, doubts, weakness, vulnerable-ness , sadness, laziness, dumbness, selfishness, fear, arrogance, shame and anger. It's not easy. And maybe now it's time to let them out.

Hey there

Since (at least) last month I've been kinda sick. I have no motivation to do anything, not even those activities that I normally enjoy. I see no meaning in life and nothing to look forward to. Other than work, all I do is to sleep and eat. On weekends I sleep over 18 hours a day. I don't want to wake up. I don't know what to do with the time awake in my life. Yes I am depressed. Mildly. I'm currently seeking help. The process to get well may be long and difficult. Yet it's helping me to face some very deeply suppressed issues. Writing this down may help that's why I am doing so. Dear friends, thanks for listening and reading.

To be honest, I have always been furious and depressed. I thought I deserve better. I live everyday with the deepest part of my heart denying that this is my life. I thought I could be something bigger, someone happier. Yet here I am. A broke mid-aged fat abandoned woman with no accomplishment in anything. A loser or at most a nobody. A prisoner of the society's meaningless values and rules. A rebellion who shamelessly pretends to be a conformist in order to live. A conformist who cheats herself that she is a free soul so that she could feel better about herself. Lost. Lonely. Grumpy. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't see any meaning for any organism to be alive. Sometimes I wish everything could just come to an end asap. I truly do.

Getting low again. I try to find out the possible reasons: the end of the umbrella movement, the weather, the loneliness walking my own way, my weight, the unexpected invitations, the unsatisfactory living environment, my physical and emotional weaknesses... Perhaps it's just in my blood. Part of me is simply always depressed. And I accept it.