病假

終於狠狠地病了一場。大抵是早前幾個月工作壓力太大，一直吃不下睡不穩，皮膚敏感和鼻敏感反覆困擾，身體總覺得說不出的不妥。即使在轉部門前匆匆放了幾天假，都總覺自己仍如拉緊了的弦般無比緊張。結果，在轉到新部門正式上班的第四天，也是正式上班一年後，我病倒了，並請了第一次的病假。

想不到這一天意外的假期反而是近來我最放鬆的一天。其實也沒有做些什麼，不過是一個人看看書、喝喝咖啡而已。為了這份奢侈的自由，我感恩。

然後，忽然間，已經 burnt out 的我又有了重新上路的動力和勇氣。不單是事業上，也是生活上的。我答應自己，不可再糊里糊塗地吃喝玩樂了，得在日常生活中好好照顧自己。我鄭重地，答應，自己。

反省

前幾天又在美容院花了約一萬，又肉痛又興奮。認真算算，自踏入社會，我在瘦身美容的開支，應該最少有十萬，好瘋狂！然後朋友提醒我，事實上我一直不乏桃花，代表我外表ok，但總是沒有對的人願意與我 tie the knot，那即是說我其他方面出了問題，所以呢，我再花心力在皮相上，也不一定會教情路變平坦。其實一直以來，我努力地讓自己在外貌、修養、學問、事業上變優秀，並沒有想過要悅人，直至 Serina 提醒我，我才發現自己其實非常在意别人的評價。於是我又開始反省。我這樣出力把自己變漂亮，到底是為了什麼。我這樣努力找尋所謂理想的伴侶，到底是為了什麼。我這樣賣力工作，又到底是為了什麼。

感恩

見識過ABCDE君，更為自己曾經遇上過那麼合拍的人、經歷過那麼甜蜜浪漫溫馨的片段、有過那麼義無反顧地深愛的勇敢而感恩。

小息

完成了六個月在企業部實習的非人生活後，我終於放了幾天假。

這個小息，我哪裡也不去，就只是留在香港，好好地保養自己的身心，並和久違的朋友暢聚，包括張佬同學、LLB 同學、PCLL 同學和舊同事等，當然還有認真地花時間與家人相處。

聚舊時不禁談起往事……回顧過去十多年，苦樂參半、笑中有淚、幕幕精彩，終於開始明白所謂「回憶的畫面如走馬燈」這感覺是什麼一回事，更體會到所有人和事都不過是過眼雲煙，該留的自然會留下，要走的怎麼也得離開。執著無用。還是專注活好這一刻最實際。

So I guess that's it.

32

During the few days without A but B I tried to listen to my own little inner voice. It was not as clear as before, yet I believed I had managed to figure it out. Transient pleasure with B (or actually, whoever) still attracts me. Nevertheless I treasure the senses of positivity, stability and security that A brings.

When it came to my 32nd birthday it got even clearer. I was kind of surprised not to receive anything at all from any of them. To be honest, I was disappointed. And I am also surprised that I felt surprised and disappointed. I should have known that this was what I have asked for.

Reflecting on what has happened during the past year, the word that comes to my mind is "restless". I have got into and out of multiple relationship several times. I have had peace, excitement, contentment, depression, anxiety, frustration and all sorts of conflicting status of mind. I have lose and gained the same 10lbs again and again. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.

Talking about relationships, a friend once pointed out about me and X and Y, "so you are trying to avoid committing while expecting others to be committed to you, and after someone has shown his commitment to you, you run away." Well that's actually quite true. Not until she put it so concisely did I come to realize how confused I was and how much confuse I have caused to others.

What exactly am I after? Well guess what, I finally have the desire to stop and get settled... But no doubt, only with the right person.

Life is not just about relationship after-all. It is in fact my job which takes up job most of my time and energy. At this age, with all these yoga and meditation practices, I still have not yet mastered the art of stress management. I still care a lot about how others regard me. I do admit I am sort of a workaholic and I sincerely like the challenging nature of what I do. At the same time the frustration, pressure and helplessness brought about by these challenges almost drive me crazy and make me doubt if I can make it.

Perhaps Serina's right. I am not ready for any relationship at the moment given my significant change in career and the exhausting nature of my job.

Ok so now I am 32. And I'm not any wiser. Still pretty lost. And I take it.